Who?

My aura grips me tightly. Not because I'm trapped, but because I want to hide behind the nebulous gray cocoon of it. I allow it to shield me from hurt. I love looking at the world through the cloudiness. Sometimes sunlight peeks through and enflames spears of pain and angst through my body. I tell myself I want to be enlightened, find some purpose and grow; but that would mean letting the light in and clearing out the cobwebs. I would rather sit in the dark and hide. I prefer being an emotional zombie; I don't want to remember the loss. I don't feel sorry for myself because I don't feel. The incurable romantic of my childhood is safely tucked away like an old book. I cannot open myself up for fear of my pages disintegrating, crumbling like an autumnal leaf under my foot.

Snake eyes

You have lured me in too many times. Your lips grace me with a smile that never reaches your eyes. I fight to keep from looking up, but your eyes entrance me. Their color swirls like fine cognac, and I submit to your mouth. You inhale my tongue and leave a trail of blood down my neck with your teeth. I sometimes wonder if you're a vampire. You suck me dry. I feel nothing under your hypnotic stare. "Come on, baby. You know you want some of this." I am your zombie, your love slave. I don't know how to free myself from you grasping fingers. I once saw you squeeze a ripe mango and let the juicy pulp ooze out of your fist. All that was left when you finished was the stone of the fruit, like my heart. You hypnotize me, draw me in, and suck me dry. I stand before you caught in your cobra stare. Seconds from now, the numbness from your bite will reach my heart and I will die all over again...until the next time.

Wonderin'

Am I indispensible to someone? How do I save myself from my own mental smallness? How do I reach out of myself and develop a friendship that is there with a lantern of hope in hand? Friendship among women can be compared to the hearth. It should be cherished with a sense of gratitude and joy. It should be a place of warmth and contentment.

With each heartbeat, I regret the friendships I didn't value and cultivate. I hear whispers in my soul reminding me of things I didn't once know, that I now know...things I wish I had better understood as a younger woman. I can't change the past nor continue to emotionally beat myself black and blue over the lost friends. I shouldn't let this encumber my road ahead. I should develop a sense of grace within myself that will be the basis of the compassion I have for others.

Pursue it madly!